Affirmations Alone Won’t Heal You—But This Will

As I’m looking into some of my own internal beliefs and struggles, I have come to see how important the connection between our behaviors and our beliefs about ourselves really is.

In an ideal world, we would have parents that were attuned and compassionate and kind— parents that implant an internal knowing that “I matter and I’m loved.”

For many of us, not only did that not happen, but the inverse did. We had parents who were jealous or preoccupied. Parents whose messages either explicitly or implicitly revealed that we weren’t important.

This then becomes a question rather than a knowing— “am I important and am I loved?”

We seek out to answer this question through a myriad of ways that unfortunately never actually answer it. Or sometimes, they solidify to ourselves that no, in fact we aren’t lovable and don’t in fact matter. These are the worst set of beliefs to hold in a body.

And then comes the behaviors that even further prove these deeply entrenched beliefs. Not taking care of myself? Why would I? I’m not loved and I don’t matter. Not reaching for my dreams and showing up for myself? Of course not, remember—I’m unloved and I don’t matter.

We carry and continue these beliefs when, from the very beginning, they were never ours to carry.

So often we are told to just say affirmations that are the opposite of the belief. But I often encounter people, and have felt this myself, where our brains call BS on the new beliefs we’re trying to adopt. Why? Because these wounds run too deep to just utter in the mirror “you’re loved.”

The reality is, affirmations aren’t enough on their own. It’s only a piece of the puzzle, but not the whole picture. Affirmations by themselves are merely empty words. But affirmations connected to validating the feelings AND taking steps of deep care for yourself, now that’s where the magic is. When our actions match the truth that we are loved and we matter, healing becomes real.

I didn’t realize how often I would start to believe that I was lovable and worthy, and then completely give up on myself or stop caring for myself. These actions wiped away every word I used to try to build myself back up with.

So then how do we not get stuck in this “1 step forward 2 steps back” struggle between our beliefs and behavior?

For me, I first had to acknowledge the pain of feeling unlovable and unimportant, especially to the people who should have been a constant source of this reminding. I had to share in my grief and anger and sorrow for the deep questions this left in me.

Then I had to take accountability for the ways that I was unintentionally reinforcing these wounded beliefs as an adult. Not nourishing my body, not hydrating my body, not resting when I desperately needed it, bypassing my internal cues and knowing for others, staying up so late that I was dragging the next day, not moving my body in ways it was begging for but that I ignored time and time again.

Once I acknowledged all the ways that I was carrying the torch of beliefs that didn’t serve me and were wrong to begin with, I then could affirm what was true. I started intentionally showing up for myself and in life in a way that backed the truth that I’m loved and I matter. My aligned behavior made a clearing for the new words to rain down on me and heal my soul.

Maybe this is you too. Maybe as you’re reading this you know exactly what I’m talking about and see yourself in my words. If this is you, I want you to know—you were always lovable and worthy and have always mattered. You just didn’t have the appropriate messaging nor the environment to foster that in you, but it’s true all the same.

It’s time to let go of behaviors and practices that reinforce the old wounded beliefs and make room for what is actually true. You have important things to accomplish and lives to change just by being your whole loved self.

Here’s where to start:

1. Recognize the wounds of the past and comfort and validate those feelings. That was never yours to own.

2. Recognize the ways you CURRENTLY reinforce those beliefs by the way you are showing up (or more accurately, not showing up) in your life.

3. Affirm what is actually true— what has always been true from the very beginning. You are loved and worthy and valuable and matter just as you are, right in this moment, even if you never did another thing. These beliefs are not earned; they’re facts.

4. Start taking steps that support you in your whole loved self.

You’ve got this. I’m cheering you on in every step and I absolutely believe in you.

Remember—affirmations alone won’t heal you, but action aligned with your beliefs will.

-Stephanie